


We Choose to go to the Moony

by QueenyMidas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Drabble, History Jokes, John F Kennedy - Freeform, M/M, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 14:12:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenyMidas/pseuds/QueenyMidas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabble, crack, oneshot. Sirius delivers JFK’s famed ‘We Choose to go to the Moon’ speech after having fucked Remus with a bit of a twist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Choose to go to the Moony

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I needed to write this, but I so desperately needed to. It’s been haunting me.

**We Choose to go to the Moony**

**AN:** I have no idea why I needed to write this, but I so desperately needed to. It’s been haunting me.

 **Summary:** Drabble, crack, oneshot. Sirius delivers JFK’s famed ‘We Choose to go to the Moon’ speech after having fucked Remus with a bit of a twist.

   With the scarlet curtains drawn around Remus’ bed, they were in their own world.

   A myopic, singular universe where Remus was the moon and Sirius was the sun. The earth was the mattress and the sky was the very air they breathed.

   It was wildly romantic in Sirius’ head even though it made little sense (what were the pillows? Trees?), so he decided to say it out loud. “You’re the moon. I love you.”

   Remus let out a shuddery laugh, still trying to catch his breath. He hadn’t even bothered to grab his wand to clean up the mess they’d made yet, and was increasingly preoccupied with nuzzling Sirius’ shoulder. “I love you too, so I can’t lie to you. I am not actually the moon.”

   “What!” Sirius feigned shock and turned over to face Remus under the covers and caress the scruff on the back of his neck. “And here I was thinking that you were literally a heavenly body rather than a figurative one.”

   “I led you on, I know.”

   “You still do have an amazing body, though.”

   Remus rolled his eyes fondly. “You’re only with me for my looks, I know.”

   “And because you’re the moon,” Sirius repeated. “Somehow you’re the moon and you still love me.”

   A warm foot found its way up Sirius’ calf and nestled between his knees. “Of course I do. I’m the one who’s surprised you chose me, so don’t pull any of that I Have No Idea How Wonderful I Am shit with me.”

   Ah, there was the compliment he’d been fishing for so subtlety. “I know. I chose you and you chose me just as much. I chose to go to the Moony not because he was easy, but because he was hard.”

   “Is that John F. Kennedy in my bed?”

   “Yes. Would you like to hear the whole thing?” Sirius asked seriously.

   Remus cocked an eyebrow. “You memorized an American president’s speech about lunar missions?”

   A sigh escaped Sirius’ lips. They were red and puffy from having been thoroughly snogged, which made Remus stare at them more than usual. “It was revolutionary! Now, hush, I have a speech to make.”

   Sirius cleared his throat dramatically before starting once more.

   “But why, some say, the Moony?” he began. “Why choose him as my goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountains? Why, 3.5 years ago, make a map for the Moony? Why does Moony like chocolate?”

   “That’s still unsolved,” Remus pointed out. Sirius believed it was a subconscious need to eat his feelings, but that was best kept to himself.

   Sirius continued.

   “We choose to go to the Moony. We choose to go to the Moony in this decade and do the other things, not because he is easy, but because he is hard.” Ah, how iconic. “Because that goal will serve to stimulate and excite the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that I am willing to accept, one I am unwilling to postpone, and one which I intend to win, and the others, too. Like marrying you and stuff.”

   A laugh escaped from Remus that sounded almost like a choke. “What?”

   “But if I were to say, my fellow citizens, that we shall send to the Moony, 6 inches away from the control station in Houston, a giant cock more than 6 inches tall, the length of this football field, made of soft skin and blood vessels, some of which have not yet been invented, capable of standing heat and stresses several times more than have ever been experienced, fitted together with a precision better than the finest watch, carrying all the equipment needed for propulsion, guidance, control, communications, food and survival, on an untried mission, to an unknown  yet beautiful celestial body, and then return it safely to earth, re-thrust into him at speeds of over 25,000 miles per hour, causing heat about half that of the temperature of the sun–almost as hot as it is here today–and do all this, and do it right, and do it first before this decade is out–then we must be bold.”

   “Don’t even try to ignore that you said you would ‘marry me and stuff’,” Remus said loudly before hushing himself. The last thing he needed was Prongs waking up to their shenanigans again. The poor bloke was losing sleep over his friends’ sex.

   “I’m not ignoring it,” Sirius insisted. “But I didn’t mean immediately. I just mean I see a future with you and want to be with you always.”

   How the fuck could he be so calm about that?

   Sirius kissed his cheek when he saw how bewildered Remus was. “It’s simple, yeah. Now, onwards with my favorite dead Kennedy brother’s speech, if you’ll allow it.”

   Breathlessly, Remus nodded.

   “I'm the one who is doing all the work, so I just want you to stay cool for a minute.”

   “Hey! I definitely put work into this. Just last week I let you win at poker to boost your self-esteem,” Remus pointed out. “And then I sucked you off.”

   Sirius let out an erotic moan. “I love it when you talk dirty.”

   “Continue with your speech and I might just do it some more.”

   “Oh, suddenly you like this idea?” he asked, running a fingernail down Remus’ soft skin before moving on.

   “However, I think I’m going to do it, and I think that we must shag what needs to be shagged. I don't think we ought to waste any stamina on foreplay, but I think we ought to do the job. And this will be done in the decade of the seventies, eighties, nineties, and whatever they call the years in the 2000’s. It will be done while you are still here at school of witchcraft and wizardry because I am horny, just like you are.”

   “It will be done during the term of the seventh year of some of the people who lay here on this bed. But it will be done. And it will be done before the end of this decade, and forever more.”

   Remus closed his eyes and slowly shook his head. Sirius was an absolute madman, and always made him laugh. Always.

   “I am delighted that this Hogwarts is playing a part in putting a man in the Moony as part of a great sexual effort of the Marauding States of the United Kingdom.”

   “So now the government is in bed with us?” Moony asked, amused.

   His boyfriend went on without answering such a ridiculous question in spite of the fact that Sirius Black was one of the most ridiculous men on Earth.

   “Many years ago the great British gigolo George Mallory, who was to die inside a man at the top of Mount Everest, was asked why he wanted to climb dick. He said, ‘Because it is there’.”

   “Well, Moony is here, and I’m going to climb him, and new hopes for satisfaction and orgasms are there. And, therefore, as we set sail we ask God's blessing on the most hazardous and dangerous and greatest adventure on which Padfoot has ever embarked. Thank you.”

   “That was beautiful.”

   “Yeah, I know.”

   “I do, by the way.”

   “What?” Sirius asked.

   “Want to marry you,” Remus finished.

   The smile that lit up Sirius’ face really did remind Remus of the sun. So, they came together in a beautiful and bleary haze of sunset and sunrise.

   John F. Kennedy would have been so proud.


End file.
